Kerlin, you and your family have been in my prayers! I wept when I heard what happened. I would love to have coffee with you if you are willing. I'm so sorry you have been going through all this!
The old defrocking ceremonies had a sense a shame attached to them, it was not a point of celebration.
Your request is like wanting to celebrate a cancer diagnosis. I sense a true sense of hurr from you, and I will pray that it heals, but the drama of the liturgy is reserved to honor God and defend Mother Church. It is not the realm of narcissism and a place to glorify sin.
I'm ignoring the poor liturgical sense, to make the bigger point: please repent.
I hope my witness of reading this serves as an audience for what was hopefully a cathartic writing process.
My partner asked recently who I subscribed to on here, and I chuckled and responded: "two defrocked clergy." My heart breaks and somehow fills with hope, both, every time I read your writing. Please keep writing. The world needs your voice - more, I do - even in posts like these.
YOU WILL.ALWAYS BE A PRIEST! Consider joining the Ecumenical Catholic Communion where your family will be welcome AS IS! If you are ever in Palm Springs CA you are welcome to preach and preside at Mass. On the day of your Ordination, you became a Priest forever! You were ontologically changed in a way that cannot be undone.
While I'm happy to hear your voice, I'm so sorry to hear such sad words. I know how much your work meant to you, and I'm devastated to hear that the Church betrayed you so.
I'm confident that you will find a path to share your light with the world.
I never made it to ordination, but my postulancy ended in the same unceremonious way after my divorce. I never received any formal notice that it was over. It was like the fog clearing on a sunny day. I was in process, and then I sort of wasn’t, and then it was all gone (to be clear, I am glad it unfolded in this way but it was unsettling and grief-filled at the time). Anyway, this resonates on many levels. I’ve wondered about rites/liturgies for endings many times.
This is a profoundly holy example of what the church should be - and what it falsely claims to be. Thank you for showing us once again what it looks like when someone says ‘love’ and means it.
Oh Kerlin, this is so hard for me to read. I too have been shocked by the lack of liturgy or even presence for my exit from the church that I served for 20 years. Once I wrote my letter stating that I could no longer remain ordained in the Episcopal Church because I could not obey my bishop - everything was done in my absence. He left me a voicemail after meeting with the standing committee, “thanks for your 20 years, have a nice life.” It was so disrespectful and avoidant fear based behavior. I called him immediately, got his voicemail, left a message that I wanted an in person conversation, and then when we spoke the next day I asked for an in-person meeting. I wanted to have a real ‘goodbye’. Even in the canon’s, the priest leaving their orders is supposed to be present for the signing of the document by two other clergy. In my pain and anger I had daydreamed and fantasized many dramatic liturgies for my exit, including stripping naked at the altar and walking out into Baltimore naked and free. But those liturgies were more about my ego and imagination. Instead I went to the bishops office and shared a list of gratitudes that I have for the 20 years that the church has been my home as a priest. And I named all the gifts and resources that I am taking with me - investments that I am withdrawing from the bank of Episcopal church so that I have them for the rest of my life. It was helpful to me - to remind myself that I was not a shell of my former self, but rather a mature, robust, skilled, human with 20 years of incredible ministry to carry in my pockets as I continue to be called by God in the world. The thing that I am still trying to understand is that I feel like I renounced my vows to the church, but I did not renounce my vows to God. God and I continue to partner in my priesthood, to gather people in a community of being known and loved, Im just doing it without the institution’s recognition. I don’t know how to be a priest in the world. A wilderness priest who breaks bread and shares sacraments with people who are hungry and would never walk into a church. My church just got much larger and I’m not sure how to be in relationship to my vocation without the institutional structure. But I’m learning… and it is scary… and freeing… and impoverishing. I think the liturgy I would write has to do with leaving the confines of the church structure and renewing my vows to God’s calling… which hasn’t left me. If you do decide to do something as a collective group of clergy who have exited - I would love to learn more.
Kerlin, you and your family have been in my prayers! I wept when I heard what happened. I would love to have coffee with you if you are willing. I'm so sorry you have been going through all this!
The old defrocking ceremonies had a sense a shame attached to them, it was not a point of celebration.
Your request is like wanting to celebrate a cancer diagnosis. I sense a true sense of hurr from you, and I will pray that it heals, but the drama of the liturgy is reserved to honor God and defend Mother Church. It is not the realm of narcissism and a place to glorify sin.
I'm ignoring the poor liturgical sense, to make the bigger point: please repent.
Beautiful and heartbreaking.
I hope my witness of reading this serves as an audience for what was hopefully a cathartic writing process.
My partner asked recently who I subscribed to on here, and I chuckled and responded: "two defrocked clergy." My heart breaks and somehow fills with hope, both, every time I read your writing. Please keep writing. The world needs your voice - more, I do - even in posts like these.
(fuckin' buttheads.)
I love what you wrote and am sorry you were given no choice but to leave. They can’t take from you what is from God.
So powerful.
Don't let TEC define you.
YOU WILL.ALWAYS BE A PRIEST! Consider joining the Ecumenical Catholic Communion where your family will be welcome AS IS! If you are ever in Palm Springs CA you are welcome to preach and preside at Mass. On the day of your Ordination, you became a Priest forever! You were ontologically changed in a way that cannot be undone.
I've been working on my own liturgy for this exact thing. Thank you for sharing yours.
While I'm happy to hear your voice, I'm so sorry to hear such sad words. I know how much your work meant to you, and I'm devastated to hear that the Church betrayed you so.
I'm confident that you will find a path to share your light with the world.
I never made it to ordination, but my postulancy ended in the same unceremonious way after my divorce. I never received any formal notice that it was over. It was like the fog clearing on a sunny day. I was in process, and then I sort of wasn’t, and then it was all gone (to be clear, I am glad it unfolded in this way but it was unsettling and grief-filled at the time). Anyway, this resonates on many levels. I’ve wondered about rites/liturgies for endings many times.
Erendira, our church in Palm Springs CA has an opening for a bilingual Spanish priest. sungliturgy@gmail.com
This is a profoundly holy example of what the church should be - and what it falsely claims to be. Thank you for showing us once again what it looks like when someone says ‘love’ and means it.
Oh Kerlin, this is so hard for me to read. I too have been shocked by the lack of liturgy or even presence for my exit from the church that I served for 20 years. Once I wrote my letter stating that I could no longer remain ordained in the Episcopal Church because I could not obey my bishop - everything was done in my absence. He left me a voicemail after meeting with the standing committee, “thanks for your 20 years, have a nice life.” It was so disrespectful and avoidant fear based behavior. I called him immediately, got his voicemail, left a message that I wanted an in person conversation, and then when we spoke the next day I asked for an in-person meeting. I wanted to have a real ‘goodbye’. Even in the canon’s, the priest leaving their orders is supposed to be present for the signing of the document by two other clergy. In my pain and anger I had daydreamed and fantasized many dramatic liturgies for my exit, including stripping naked at the altar and walking out into Baltimore naked and free. But those liturgies were more about my ego and imagination. Instead I went to the bishops office and shared a list of gratitudes that I have for the 20 years that the church has been my home as a priest. And I named all the gifts and resources that I am taking with me - investments that I am withdrawing from the bank of Episcopal church so that I have them for the rest of my life. It was helpful to me - to remind myself that I was not a shell of my former self, but rather a mature, robust, skilled, human with 20 years of incredible ministry to carry in my pockets as I continue to be called by God in the world. The thing that I am still trying to understand is that I feel like I renounced my vows to the church, but I did not renounce my vows to God. God and I continue to partner in my priesthood, to gather people in a community of being known and loved, Im just doing it without the institution’s recognition. I don’t know how to be a priest in the world. A wilderness priest who breaks bread and shares sacraments with people who are hungry and would never walk into a church. My church just got much larger and I’m not sure how to be in relationship to my vocation without the institutional structure. But I’m learning… and it is scary… and freeing… and impoverishing. I think the liturgy I would write has to do with leaving the confines of the church structure and renewing my vows to God’s calling… which hasn’t left me. If you do decide to do something as a collective group of clergy who have exited - I would love to learn more.
I will definitely let you know if I figure out how to actually pull something like this off-
and you have a needy and eager and spirited and love-filled congregation. listening. hearing.
Beautiful and painful and real. Thank you.
There is so much beauty and healing in this. Much love to you, Kerlin.