One of our favorite books is When You are Happy by Eileen Spinelli. There is a line.
“When you are afraid I will hold your hand and not let go, except once, to borrow one hundred tiny stars to spell out the words YOU ARE SAFE and they will shine above you forever, even in the darkest dark.”
When the toddler is feeling scared by something, like a smoke detector or a loud garbage truck, he will say “that makes you nervous.” At this point we usually offer hugs or ask what would make him feel safe. When he's feeling more grounded he will say “you are safe.”
The toddler loves helicopters. He also loves airplanes, and trains, and construction. It's a little bit basic, but still cute. One day when he was hanging out with his daddy they saw a medical transport helicopter fly by twice. I heard about it a lot that night. We all did. “It was red and blue, there was a helicopter. Do you remember that?” The next day I was at the park with him and we saw another helicopter. It was also retold like a epic saga that night.
On the third day, after having seen helicopters the previous two days, we were on our way out of the house and he said “We might see a helicopter.” I said that we might. He stood at the top of the steps and said “I nervous.” Nervous about seeing a helicopter? I asked. “Yeah” he said “I nervous about a helicopter” I asked what would make him feel safe. He stood there for another minute thinking. Then he looked at me and said “Oh. I not nervous. I excited! They are similar.”
This kid is understands something about the human experience that I'm not sure I got until I was in my 40s. The feeling of being nervous, and the feeling of being excited are indeed remarkably similar.
When we think about an upcoming event or experience perhaps our heart begins to beat a little bit faster. We might feel a bit light headed. Our breathing might become more shallow. Perhaps our guts may feel a bit fizzy. At this point, depending on the story we are telling this collection of physical sensations might get labeled either nervous or excited.
This is another chance to welcome some gentle curiosity. What exactly is your body experiencing? Where are the edges of the sensations? Go into your body and explore. Then shift back out and let your senses roam free for a second. What is the temperature of the air? What is the quality of the light? Is there a sound or smell you can touch with your awareness? Now return your curiosity to the various stories you could tell in this moment.
Is it possible that you are not actually nervous, but maybe excited? Or maybe within your anxiety is a small thread of anticipation? If we don’t ask ourselves these questions, we might avoid something that could be wonderful in order to avoid a feeling that might not be apprehension at all. Also sometimes we think something (or someone) is really exciting, when a part of you is trying to say- I nervous. Both are worth listening to.
In this grounded place of curiosity take a deep breath, maybe place your hand on your chest, and say I AM SAFE. If that doesn’t feel true, ask yourself- What do I need to feel safe?
Fear, excitement, being nervous, anticipation, and anxiety are all ways that our nervous system gets your body ready for something big. When what is coming next is unknown our brains leap in with stories. The way we narrate what is happening in our bodies can make all the difference.
And so my loves and my dear ones,
This world is full of new things
some are exciting
some can be a little bit scary
some are kind of both
If you are nervous,
or excited
or if you aren’t entirely sure what you are feeling
about the next new thing
take a breath my love
there are one hundred tiny stars
up there past the helicopters
and they really do spell out the words
YOU ARE SAFE
I’d love to hear from you- What makes you feel safe?
If you want to sign up for my summer course- Anatomy of Faith. It will start in July and go through August asynchronously. We will explore embodied spirituality and have a good time doing it.
If you want to submit a question for my monthly advice column here’s the link:
I found this particularly moving as you reflected on I nervous vs I excited at almost 80 I still have trouble knowing which is true for me. Paying attention is so important and easy to gloss over thh
This observation and encouragement is more than important me in my aging life. I realize that I have begun to defer or cancel altogether planned activities (especially travel) to which I was previously looking forward ~ at an alarmingly increasing rate. Because “I nervous.” Thank you for giving me a way to reassess my feelings and their labels. Although helicopters will always truly make ME nervous. And I have yet to discern a protector who would “borrow a hundred tiny stars” on behalf of my well-being. How, dear mentor, does a Spiritual orphan ever really feel safe?