what you need to do-
My very first advice column!
Alright- here is my first advice column. I’ll be doing these on the first Monday of the month, so if you have questions, keep them coming!
I’m going through many relationship changes and just changes to life in general. This all has me rethinking my previously-held relationship structure, polyamory with a primary/nesting partner. Now, here I am single and wondering about if polyamory is really for me. But at the same time, I cherish all the wisdom I’ve learned in that journey. I know only I can really answer this question for myself, but a little advice and food for thought would mean so much as I navigate a what I want in this new landscape.
~“Single as a Pringle”
My dearest Pringle-
One of the core “tenants” for want of a better way of saying it, in my understanding of relationship structures is that everything changes when we start to question our assumptions about relationships. I am not entirely sure the split is between monogamy and polyamory, as much as it is between chosen examined intentional relationship structures vs. taking the culturally normative model on offer and swallowing it whole. The end of every relationship, as well as the beginning of every relationship,(and sometimes the midle of relationships can be an invitation to question who you are and how you want to move through the world. There are people who identify as poly who have one partner, or none. Being poly doesn’t obligate you to a certain number of dates. I think it means being open to the conversations. I believe that every relationship deserves to be negotiated between the people in that relationship. Seasons of life, and the needs of the folks involved should have a higher priority than labels.
Understanding attachment and enmeshment and boundaries and deep communication will benefit any and all relationships you have, romantic, sexual, or otherwise.
My advice is to stay deeply in touch with your own soul and your own longings. Polyamorous is a way you have learned can serve you in at least one situation. Instead of clinging to that as a label, perhaps you can identify as someone who can learn and grow and try new things. As you meet new people to date, stay open and curious to them, and to yourself. Allow yourself the time and space to discover who you want to be to each other. The wisdom you have gained on your journey cannot be lost.
How do we respond to humans who clearly believe that some humans are superior to others, even though we are all created in God’s image?
~“Forever marginalized”
My Dear FM-
Oh Lord yes!!!
I can tolerate just about anything better than intolerance. I don’t know about you, but I often get the most upset when other fragile people are under attack. I am not a trans high-school athlete on any count.1 I have never been a trans-woman who needed to pee in a conservative setting. I have never needed to work or live on the “wrong side” of an imaginary line2. And yet I find I get outraged at the hate pouring towards all of them.
When someone believes that some humans are superior to others, they are just wrong, every human being bears the image of God. No exceptions.
How we respond to people who are wrong is a part of how we live our lives, and is in part dependant on the context. Is it your mom’s new boyfriend, your boss? How about your teenage nephew who has been watching the wrong kind of YouTube? Is it some rando on Facebook? I find that the level of response should be proportionate to the level of intimacy, your capacity to do the work, and your optimism about changing a mind or heart.
Sometimes it is safe to say: “Wow, it sounds like you just trashed a whole lot of people with that comment. Is that really how you feel?” Or maybe “I believe that everyone is made in the image of God, and deserves human rights, protection and the right to thrive, can you explain to me why you don’t? Or even: “I do not agree with you, but I will also not stop seeing the beloved child made in the image of God in you, even if you refuse to see it in others.”
Sometimes just placing yourself physically, financially, politically, or spiritually between those who do harm and the vulnerable is a response. Sign the petition, vote the vote, write to the politician, donate to the thing, write a letter to the prisoner.3
If you are the type of person who can pray, please do. There is deep sorrow in witnessing Love’s children being mean to each other. Bring it to God, she is sad too. Sit in the presence of Love as you understand it and share your grief with each other.
And also remember (and I know you now this dear one) that more hearts are changed by softness and curiosity than full on attacks of someone’s beliefs. Yelling at someone that they are being hateful probably won’t move the needle much. And remember My dear FM, that you can set boundaries and take care of yourself. Your racist neighbor or homophobic sister-in-law have no right to your time, your energy or your peace.
If you want to sign up for my summer course- Anatomy of Faith. It will run from July - August asynchronously.
There is currently much more legislation about trans athletes than there are trans athletes. This shit is bananas. But so damaging. Deadly bananas. https://www.hrc.org/resources/get-the-facts-about-transgender-non-binary-athletes
don’t ever accuse governments of having no imagination, just look at borders and citizenship.
SWOP behind bars has a pen pal program- https://swopbehindbarsinc.my.site.com/Mentorbymail/s/
“I do not agree with you, but I will also not stop seeing the beloved child made in the image of God in you, even if you refuse to see it in others.” Yes. This is just the beautiful language needed now. I have had to painfully walk away from two precious relationships in the last year over a loss at how to bridge our increasingly divergent perspectives. All the while still believing in the inherent goodness of the other.
“Understanding attachment and enmeshment and boundaries and deep communication will benefit any and all relationships you have…” We don’t come with manuals and there are scarce teachings available to us as youth about these critical relationship parameters. I think as for all primate species, we are left on what is often a a desert island or even more harsh territory of example. Example of our parents or elders in proximity as we grow. It is no wonder so many of us are shipwrecked by our 20s or flounder into midlife and beyond. Thank you for serving as a compass, dear friend.