shame is wrong about you

a response to a letter from a worthy human

Dear Kerlin,

I was sexually abused growing up, and many of my sexual fantasies pick up dark themes from my childhood. These are not "god I wish this would happen in real life" fantasies at all. Having been in therapy for years, I know rationally that this kind of fantasizing is common, and that it can be an intuitive and safe way for the psyche to reprocess trauma. It's really helped me desensitize triggers and feel less mired in my past, so I allow myself to engage in it-- but it's still my most stubborn source of shame and existential distress.

I know a lot of people don't distinguish between this sort of fantasy and the sort that reflects predatory inclinations, and I've internalized those voices. Part of me feels I'm too "impure" to belong to a spiritual community or to be around kids, even though I know I pose no threat. If I ever meet God, and get to ask why they made us this way, this is one of the first things I'll demand an explanation for. For now, I'd love to hear any thoughts you have. Existential perspective and tips on working with sexual shame/fear are both welcome.

Anonymous

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Thank you dear one. Thank you for your honesty, your courage, and your clarity.

Let me say this as clearly as I can:
you are not impure.

You are precious and you are beloved, even if the dirtiest nastiest shit gets you off. You belong in the human family. You belong among the hopeful and the trying. You belong among the wounded and the healing. You belong among the tender and the frightened.

You have done the amazing work of surviving, of metabolizing harm, of finding your way through the wreckage of trauma. Like an artist reassembling shards into new shapes, the fact that your fantasies carry echoes of the past isn’t a moral failure. It’s an astonishing testament to the wild wonder of the human psyche. And honestly its a baller move to flip the shittiest things that have happened to us into a source of pleasure and sexual satisfaction.

So you get off on “dark things.” Welcome Love. Many of us get all hot and bothered by problematic things we don’t want in real life. Some of these things come from trauma, and some of them pop up in the most well-adjusted happy-childhood-having folks you could meet. Our sexuality is a wild and mystical dreamscape, where things don’t have to make sense the way they do in the waking world.¹

Also, many of us get all hot and bothered by problematic things we do want to play with in real life, with trusted friends and lovers, or skilled professionals. You don’t say what your fantasies are but no matter what I know that there are other people who have them too. I wonder if you have ever sought community with those who share your kinks? Fantasy is play and play can be healing. In play spaces people can be children or animals or mustache-twirling-villians. If you find people you can trust and you want to play this out with others, that be healing too.

The problem as I read it is not your fantasies, but your shame about your fantasies. And shame is the worst. Especially sexual shame. Especially for survivors. Especially when the wider culture and even often progressive spiritual spaces don’t know how to talk about this with nuance. Hurting and being hurt, controlling and being controlled, can be really hot. But feeling like that makes you unworthy of community is heartbreaking.

You mention existential distress, so I’m guessing you mean the emotional and psychological pain that arises when we confront the big, often unanswerable questions of life, the “What does it all Mean?!?!?” questions. Existential distress is what happens when trauma or shame touches not just your feelings, but your existence. When the questions become Am I okay? Can someone like me ever belong, be loved, be whole?” Shame will say no. Shame will say that you are unworthy of connection, of joy, of delight.

But, My love, my dear one, shame is wrong about you. In fact Shame is wrong about pretty much everything. And shame is a sneaky mf. If we go after it directly it parrots back some canned Brené Brown and says you misunderstood shame’s point.²

However if we treat shame like a scared animal and not a sin it will start to transform, to unfurl. Shame grows in secrecy but withers in the soft light of compassion and community. Don’t fight your shame with more judgment. Don’t yell at shame. Be curious. Be gentle. Shame can’t survive tenderness without turning into grief. And my guess dear one, is that there is so much grief.

God is not offended when we are pissed off at the broken parts of this world that wound and tear her beloved children. You were hurt when you were a child. That is not okay. If you ever meet God and ask why you were made the way you are, I imagine God meeting your fury and tears with more tenderness than you can bear. I imagine that Love will hold you gently and whisper- “Oh my love and my dear one I am so very sorry that you were hurt. I made you on purpose in Love and for Love, dear one. I made you resilient and creative and glorious. I am so proud of you, my precious survivor.”

With deep respect,
Kerlin

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1. Big old side note- Fantasy can include the entire genre of wizard and dragon fiction, imaginary football teams (here is where I get to practice non-judgment), as well as sexual fantasies. Fantasy is the realm of imagination, and the power to dream of what isn’t, is a glorious and holy power.

2. For the record I think Brené is great. I have just noticed that shame can use anything as a weapon, including pointing out that I’m not very good at shame resilience.