oooh kinky

unconventional sex and the power of play

Among all the words I use to wrap up a description of myself, kinky is one of the more complicated. Not that polyamorous, queer, or exhausted mother of a toddler all mean the exact same thing to everyone who uses them.

Kinky can be tricky to define, so lets start with a few definitions-

From dictionary.com -

Kink [noun]

1. a twist or curl, as in a thread, rope, wire, or hair, caused by its doubling or bending upon itself:

   The kink in the hose was restricting the water flow.

2. a muscular stiffness or soreness, as in the neck or back:

   The kink in my neck was making it difficult to turn my head at all.

3. a flaw or imperfection likely to hinder the successful operation of something, such as a machine or plan:

   There are still a few kinks to be worked out of the design before we start production.

4. unconventional sexual preferences or behavior.

   Just like LGBTQ adolescents, many kinky adolescents also experience a sense of internalized stigma.¹

Stiffness, flaws, blockages, and imperfections don’t sound like the most fun, and “unconventional” as a definition requires us to agree on what constitutes conventional. If more than half of the population is turned on by “kinky” things² who are the real weirdos?

So what is kink?

you are not a piece of wire and there is no reason to avoid kinks unless you want to

One of my favorite definitions of kink is from the amazing sex-educator, Midori. She says that kink is like childhood joyous play with adult sexual privilege and cool toys. Not all kink is sexual and plenty of asexual folks engage in all sorts of kinky play. But for many people, kink is deeply sexual.

Another way of thinking about ‘Kink’ is as consensual activities that in other contexts would not be pleasurable or desirable. In most contexts being slapped, tied up, or humiliated are things folks avoid. In other contexts these things bring great joy to all involved.

Kinks are specific. No one is into everything³. Some people are into ropes but not impact, some people are into impact but not playing with the erotic aspects of power. There is no such thing as being perfectly kinky. Wherever you land is fine. The only way to do it wrong is to violate consent, and I promise I really will do a whole post on consent soon. The most commonly accepted guidelines for kink is the Acronym RACK- Risk Aware Consensual Kink. The idea is that pretty much all our activities involve some level of risk. We can never be perfectly safe, but we should be aware of the risk level of any activity we are pursuing, and choose for ourselves if the rewards are worth it.

A word that runs through pretty much any discussion of kink is the word Play. There is age play, and impact play, breath play, electric play, cigar play, pet play. and roleplay to name a very few.⁴ Play is deeply important to our thriving. It is a biological drive, which to me also begs the question that if we are made in the image of Love and we are formed to play, how playful must God be?

For many of us, playing in kink spaces and with kinky people gives a sense of freedom, exploration, and empowerment. A desire for kink is not the result of trauma, but when done well, kink can provide a space for healing and transformation. Healing is one of the functions of play, but not the only reason to play. A mark of our productivity-addicted capitalist obsession is that even play must be justified in terms of its usefulness. Perhaps play is a good whole unto itself.

Good kink is characterized by trust, consent, and communication; making it a deeply personal and intimate way to connect with others and yourself.

So kink is serious play that can be sexual or not, and is not ‘normal’, but is common. Kink can be an exchange of power or egalitarian. Kink can be purely mental or pure sensation. Kink can be practiced with others or all by yourself.

So if you are a little twisted, a bit bent, a tad unconventional; you are precious and you are fine. Go on beautiful ones and play.

1. Yeah, that wasn’t dictionary.com’s use of kinky in a sentence. That comes from a Psychology Today article that is also worth reading.

2. Current biopsychosocial science on understanding kink says that studies found that the prevalence of fantasies and curiosities about arousing or erotic kink activities (approximately 45–60% of the population) is much higher than the number of people who have participated in such behaviors, which can range considerably depending on region or specific behavior. Still, I would say that having kinky fantasies is being kinky.

3. Apparently there are 547 kinks listed in the book Forensic and Medico-legal Aspects of Sexual Crimes and Unusual Sexual Practices by Anil Aggrawal, but I haven’t read it.

4. Actually, there is probably someone out there who is into everything. I haven’t met them but if that’s you, Hi!! You are glorious!