of Art and Loneliness

Advice Column #2

Dear Kerlin,

When I was a kid and through my 20’s, I loved to make art. Painting felt like breathing. But now I’m deep into adult life, you know, family, work, responsibility, and despair about the state of the world. I haven’t done anything more creative than frost a birthday cake in a decade. There’s a part of me that still wants to to make beautiful things, but I don’t know. It feels self-indulgent considering the real needs and problems of the world. I’m not even sure I’m any good anymore.

How do you justify making art, especially art that isn’t overtly political or useful, when everything feels like it’s falling apart?

-Too Adult to Paint

My Dear Adult one,

I worry sometimes that our hunger for justice can twist until it becomes a raw and brutal utilitarianism, where everyone fears the judgment of an unseen collective of people who are morally superior to us.

I do not want you my love, my dear one to have your life held hostage by other people’s righteousness. If justice becomes a performance, we become afraid of wasting time on joy and beauty that could be better spent on outrage.

The whole world is indeed falling apart. So much so in fact that I believe everyone can pitch in on whatever part they want and we don’t need to waste much time worrying about what someone else is fixing.

I want us to live as close as we can to the world we are dreaming of. If there is nothing but despair and mutual shaming in the pursuit of liberation, we might forget why its worth fighting for. I want the climate activist and the prison abolitionist to cheer each other on. I want the folks fighting for the decriminalization of consensual adult sex work to be at the breakfast table with the folks fighting for free preschool. And I want the artists to be there too. Not just the one who paints murals for ‘the cause’, but the one who paints the way the daisy sits in a mason jar. If in our hunger for justice we cease to dream and smile and dance, then the new world will be a real bummer, even if it is ideologically flawless.

There is also a common answer to this sort of dilemma that is okay-ish on the surface, but actually bothers me. Its the “everything is creativity” “live every moment with the soul of an artist” answer. I think this is intended to extend the invitation of creativity to those who do not think they can paint or dance or sing. But my hackles go up when it sounds like telling a mom to find all her creative joy in cooking for her family so she doesn’t need to go out in the backyard and carve marble. I would rather encourage everyone to pick up the paintbrush, even if they are terrible. Write a bad poem, sing a trite song. Join in, and maybe you will get better. And maybe you won’t. Maybe you will make bad art forever. So WHAT??

I'm not saying that if decorating cakes, and cooking dinner for your family is your highest artistic delight that there is anything wrong with that. I just know that for me at least, when I crave a specific art form, telling me to go do something else smaller, more convenient, and often more stereotypically feminine, feels like a small violence. Don't tell me to scrapbook, when I want to write a novel, you know?

I want to see your art. I want to see the world through your eyes. I want there to be a record of your life that came through your hands. I don’t give a rat’s ass if it is overtly political or useful. To be honest, very little of my favorite art is.

And so my love and my dear one,
Paint, please please Paint.
Paint because it brings you joy.
Paint because time spent creating is time not spent consuming.
Paint because you want to, and your desire is a sacred invitation.
Paint because I would rather live in a world with more bad art from happy humans, than a world where art must be deemed political or useful enough to be allowed.
Paint because even if you paint nothing but daisies in mason jars for the next 50 years, they will have been painted by you,
a dear and precious human who cares enough about this dumpster fire of a world to even ask these questions.
Please paint,
because if you feel like there is no need for your beautiful heart
to make beautiful things, we have already lost.

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Dear Kerlin,

I’ve been dating someone for a while now. It’s not terrible, we get along fine, watch TV, go to the same handful of restaurants. We don’t fight. But it’s not great either. I miss feeling in love, feeling alive. I want adventure, spontaneity, connection. He’s comfortable staying where we are, literally and emotionally.

I wonder if I’m asking for too much. Is this just what happens in long term relationships? The last time I was single, it took ages to find someone, and I’m scared of that kind of loneliness again.

How do I honor my desire for more without throwing away something decent? How do I deal with loneliness without settling?

-Restless and Wondering

My Dear Restless Love, my wondering Dear one,

I don't think you are selfish for wanting more. I also don't think you are ungrateful or unrealistic. It sounds like you are awake. Your hunger for aliveness and passion isn’t a moral flaw. Longings can be holy, especially when they are compasses. And even if you know where north is, it doesn’t necessarily mean you need to leave your relationship. It's just good to know what direction you are facing.

So here’s my advice: get curious. What kind of adventure are you craving? Are you hoping your partner will deliver it, or is this a chance for you to go solo? What about your other needs? What kind of spontaneity in connection can you have with your own soul? How can you provide this kind of love for yourself? It's good to invite our partners into the realm of creating our joy. I'm not saying you can't ask for collaboration. It's just that if we come to think that all of our emotional needs must be met by people we are in relationships with, it can lead to a terrifying kind of co-dependence, that ironically then makes it much harder to get your needs met.

Speaking of, have you expressed your longings clearly to your partner? Or are you holding onto quiet resentments for needs you haven’t named? Because that is unfair to both of you.

One of the things I love about the worlds of polyamory and relationship anarchy is the freedom to reimagine what relationships can look like. A change doesn’t have to mean an ending. And you don’t need to be in an open relationship to broaden your base of emotional support. Maybe you find a friend who loves trying new restaurants, or someone who’d go on that epic road trip you are dreaming of. Maybe your relationship becomes a cozy place you return to, while you seek vitality elsewhere in your life. If your partner isn’t stopping you from exploring, then go ahead, let your life bloom wild and crazy, then savor your quiet time together with him. But if he is stopping you from living your life, that’s a red flag.¹

A few more questions - how is the emotional quality of your relationship: is your partner kind? Does he listen to you? Do you respect each other? Sometimes, we mistake emotional roller coasters for “real” love, especially if we’ve been trained to correlate intensity with intimacy. We can associate feeling activated and insecure with feeling excited. I’m not saying you should settle, but sometimes a desire for that “spark” can be unresolved trauma in disguise.

The loneliness of being single is real, but there is another kind of loneliness too. There is a loneliness that comes from abandoning yourself. There is a loneliness that comes from staying in a life that doesn’t nourish you. There is a kind that can hollow you out, and wear away your capacity to hope and dream.

Oh my love and my dear one,
whether you are in a romantic partnership or not
You deserve to be seen.
You deserve to be alive in your own life.
My love, my dear one,
keep dreaming
keep hoping.
Your adventurous spirit,
that part of you that is calling you deeper
and further
is a voice worth listening to.
The voice that calls you to both compassion and adventure
just might be the very voice of Love

With love,
Kerlin

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If you want to submit a question for August’s advice column, here’s that link:

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1. Here’s an article that might help if you aren’t sure