If a polyamorous family member is coming for Christmas

A simple guide for loving people who love people

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I’m still not entirely sure what we will be doing. There might be tacos, there will definitely be presents, there will not be church.

I do not have family that we travel to see, or that comes to see us. I know however for lots of folks that Christmas involves seeing family that isn’t part of your everyday life.

Artwork by Rachel Huard - Poly Crafty Genius

What if your nephew, cousin, sister, grandchild has come out to you as poly and you aren't sure what to say. You are not alone. People who are coming out have usually done a lot of work and a lot of thinking before disclosing, but as the recipient you haven’t had the same lead time. So, even if no one has come out to you recently, let’s prep just in case it happens soon.

First and foremost- If someone comes out to you in any way about any part of their identity, it is a compliment about the relationship they have with you. Take it as such. No one comes out to a monogamous family member hoping for judgment. They have probably shared this with you because they want you to see them in the fullness of who they are. This is most likely a request to deepen your relationship. They would like to be honest and transparent with you. Let your first response be one of gratitude and love.

Don’t jump to conclusions about what this piece of their identity means¹. Ask what it means to them. The world of ethical non-monogamy is vastly complicated, and varied. No term means the exact same thing to everyone who uses it. Even if you think you know what all the words mean that someone is sharing with you. This might mean that there is a new love in their life that they are hoping to share with you at some point. this might mean that they are dating casually and are tired of the other cousins telling them that they have no idea what the apps are like these days since they have been married for 20 years.

They might just want visibility because to be seen and known is beautiful and powerful, especially by people who have known you your whole life. they might want support,

It is unlikely that they want advice. You don't need to defend your own relationship choices. They are probably perfectly familiar with monogamy. If your polyamorous family member is still in a place where they think that polyamory is somehow a more enlightened form of relationship style, or that everybody should make the same choice, treat them with the same gentle compassion that you would a newly minted vegan or convert to a particularly enthusiastic brand of exercise. This early fever will hopefully pass, and soften over time into a more humble and gentle way of being polyamorous.

Acting like what they have told you is of no consequence can also be harmful. Saying it doesn’t matter or I don't care. I love you anyway can feel as if you have dismissed the gift that they were trying to give you of self-disclosure. It matters to your loved one or they wouldn’t have told you. Show as much curiosity as you would if they told you that they were moving to a new city, or starting a new job.

You can ask- what does that mean for you? You can ask if anything in their life is changing. If someone tells you that a long established relationship is opening up, be gently curious. In fact I think gentle curiosity is one of the best tools for every relationship family, friends, or lovers. And just in case it needs to be said don’t ask inappropriate questions. The details of someone’s sex life are not necessary for you to know anymore than for a monogamous family member.

The risks of being openly poly are real. It is not a protected status. They could lose their jobs, housing and children. It is perfectly legal to fire someone for being non-monogamous. Intersectionality is real.² Depending on the other identities that your loved one holds non-monogamy can be a very precarious place to live. It is perfectly okay to ask how out they are. Also please don’t take offence if you are not the first to know. Ask if there is any particular support they need.

If someone has come out to you this is an act of trust and love. You have the power in this moment to honor the fullness of another person with compassion and tenderness.

May your family of origin be as loving as a chosen one.
May you be welcomed in your moments of vulnerability.
May you be known by those who love you in the fullness of who you are.
May we all be gracious stewards of the tender souls in our networks of kinship.
May we all be people of gentle curiosity, gratitude and love.

And Merry Christmas my beautiful ones.

1. https://www.multiamory.com/podcast/432-the-episode-to-share-with-your-parents

2. Kimberlé Crenshaw: What is Intersectionality