The other day after watching a YouTube video on sex positivity I read the comments.
I know. I know… but still.
However, this comment seemed to sum up so much of what I have heard in churchy spaces about sex, I just had to share it with you.
“This is such a complex issue. Sex is tangled up with emotions, mental state, spirt (imo), etc. He's right shame is night gut. Fear is unhealthy. Sex is great and should be celebrated, should be talked about more and taught well. Etc. But I'm having the best sex...within marriage; emotionally, spiritually, physically. And it doesn't need to get 'kinky' for it to fulfil me any more or for me to feel like I need more or something different, etc. I understand some people want more and feel like they need more/different sexual experiences, i just don't understand why in the first place. It must be linked with their heart, beliefs, spiritual state. I mean...what creates our desires? When will they ever really be fulfilled? And this sexual revolution...why? To what end? Yes fear and doubt and shame need to cease but I am not experiencing any of those emotions, I am happy in my very 'normal/vanilla' sexual experience. Why is that not progressive - surely complete happiness and fulfilment is more progressive than constant desire for more/different. Does progressive have to equal breaking more taboos?”
This is the perfect example of being sex-negative. This is using your own experience and needs as the only metric for other people’s needs, desires, and identities. It has the veneer of sex positivity while indicating that a desire for anything other than ‘normal/vanilla’ sex is coming from people who cannot be fulfilled at all, and is the realm of people with deep problems in their hearts, beliefs, and spiritual state. While at the same time he is saying that shame and fear are unhealthy.
Being sex-positive is essentially just believing that sex is natural, generally healthy in all its variations, and can be a source of joy, delight, personal growth, and fun. It is affirming that consensual pleasure between adults doesn’t need to be met with suspicion and disgust.
Here’s the thing. No one is ever going to take ‘normal/vanilla’ sex away from you, friend. If your main reason for thinking something is wrong, deviant, or unnecessary is because you don’t want it please sit with that for a minute.
Is having a house wrong if you prefer to live in an apartment and not do weekend projects and yard work?- I am perfectly happy in my apartment and I don’t see why people think they need a yard and a garden. What damage has someone experienced to feel a need to mow the grass?
If you love your job as an office manager, is being a musician wrong? I am perfectly happy working 9-5 in an office and don’t see why some people need to work confusing hours and not have benefits. I’m as progressive as the next person, but I am perfectly happy waking up at 7am. Surely complete happiness and fulfillment is more progressive than a constant desire for more/different.
If you have an only child, is someone else having a third (or fifth) kid simply being greedy and insatiable? I love having a small family, it works really well for us. I understand some people want more and feel like they need more/different children but to what end?
If you love what you love then someone else loving something doesn’t need to be a threat.
You are of course welcome to be as judgmental as you want. You are always free to think you are better than everyone who is different from you, and to believe with all your heart that your tastes, proclivities, and preferences are morally superior to everyone else’s. But please don’t tell me that you are all for eradicating shame if in the next breath you are defining your own as the only possible healthy sexual expression.
Being sex-positive is going to mean accepting the truth that different people like different things, and that’s ok. Being sex-positive is going to mean supporting diversity without defensiveness.
I would love so much for us to be a sex-positive church. I would love for folks to think of Christians first off as people of grace and welcome. I would love each and every person to be so happy, so fulfilled in their own sexual identity and practice that the consensual sex lives of others were no threat at all. I would love for us to celebrate the flourishing and liberation of all God’s children whether or not they are just like us.