transitions are hard

I just dropped the toddler off at his new school today. I am feeling lots of feelings. His new school is an early head start program which is free. This is wonderful, because I cannot seem to get any kind of real job these days and the savings I’ve been living off of are not going to last forever. But after three weeks of being home- covid, and then the already scheduled gap between schools, he did not want to go.

He wept and said that he wanted to go to his old school. That he did not want me to leave. I cried the whole way home. I cried because I feel his pain. I too miss the way things used to be sometimes. I cried because there have been people who left when I wanted them to stay. I cried because there have been transitions that were not my choice. I am the old one. I am the grown-up. And still, transitions are hard.

There is a part of me that feels sad that I can’t afford to keep sending him to the cute little Montessori preschool, where even two days a week costs an absurd amount. I worry that I will never work again. I then feel bad for feeling like a capitalist who believes that the amount of money I am capable of earning is a reflection of my worth.

I am trying today to hold onto the spiritual practices and truths I know I believe in somewhere. I do believe that acceptance is holy, that I am really okay. I do believe that I am the responsible adult, but that I am not in charge of anyone else’s feelings. I believe that it is my job to show up with as much grace and love as I can muster in any given moment. I try to see with clarity where I am in the present moment, and simply be there. Right now that is eating chocolate covered cherries for breakfast and writing to you.

And so my loves and my dear ones,

If you are going through any transitions,
if they are bringing up big feels
Whether you chose the change
or the change is happening
against the tide of your dreams,

I see you.
I see your grief when the last thing is
slipping through your fingers
before you were ready to let go.
I see you when your tears don’t change the outcome

I see the new world you are stepping into is
unknown
unchosen
unwanted
I am sorry to be one of the assholes who says
”Maybe it will all be for the best”

I don’t really know if it will be or not.
for all of our sakes I hope it will be,
But to tell you the truth my loves
my dear ones
I am not entirely sure I believe that there is a “best”

Maybe it will simply all be.
Maybe we will just keep stumbling along.
I do suspect that this new thing will have moments of joy
that the new worlds we are entering with
every breath, will hold wonder and awe
and while it won’t erase what we have lost
I pray that today a glimmer of delight illuminates
this moment too.

I love you.