It's (almost) been a year
This coming Wednesday marks one year since the Episcopal Church released me.
It is almost one year since I published my first post-ordination letter.
The number of feelings I’ve had this past year are too many to count. I have lived a kaleidoscope of feelings. I have experienced so much grace, joy, and freedom, being able to live in the world as my full, unapologetic self. I have also had moments of such deep grief that I’ve wondered if I could function. I have fallen into pits of childhood and adolescent trauma, and I have rejoiced in my own liberation. I have tried to figure out a reasonable and respectable way to have this conversation with the church and with the world. I still grieve the church that I left. I miss the person I was in the church. I miss having the faith that I watched shatter on the hard floor of institutional cruelty.
I want, on the cusp of this anniversary, to offer some really wise and brilliant conclusions. I want to have a bulleted list of 25 takeaways. But I don’t have them yet. I may never have tidy conclusions, brilliant or otherwise. I am not yet to the point where I am glad this has all happened, but I am gaining peace about it.
I feel like I’ve spent this past year unfurling my wet wings to see what sort of butterfly I am becoming. At least I hope that is what I am doing. I know I am getting better, or at least I’m getting different. If I look back at where I was, and look clearly at where I am, I know there is healing. I know there is change. I know there’s growth. Just because some days I wish it were bigger, better, and faster doesn’t mean that grace isn’t real. The world around us is constantly changing as fast or faster than we are.
I am mostly in awe and gratitude for the kindness and care of my friends, my family, my loves, and select strangers. I am more desperately in love than ever with my beautiful baby, now the toddler. I love our weird and silly family. I love this life I am living.
Life goes on. With or without the church, there is sunshine and peonies. There are splash pads and water fountains springing up all over Portland. There are camping trips and raspberries along the sidewalk. There is the smell of jasmine on the front porch. There are going to be meteor showers, and fireworks. There will be hard days and harder days. The news will be scary, the news will be good. We will hope and dream and cry.
When I look over these past 12 months through the lens of these little newsletters I’ve tucked into bottles and hurled out into the unknown. I mostly just want to say thank you to everyone who has let me know when they landed upon your shore, when you unfurled the little message waiting inside. To each and every one of you who has subscribed, who has read this little newsletter, clicked a heart, shared a post, or left a comment, I cannot begin to tell you how grateful I am.
Despite all the things I do not know, I do know this: I am not alone. I know I am not alone because I know you are there. The gift you’ve given me by being on this journey with me is profound and immense. If I am becoming a butterfly, I hope I am becoming one who travels in a big group, delightfully called a kaleidoscope of butterflies. I want to rest on the damp rocks near a beautiful stream with you. I want us all to open and close out wings as we slake our thirst. I want to rise up flying in a cloud of wonder, as if we know exactly where we are going.
My loves, my dear ones,
thank you
you are a gift
thank you
our witnessing of each other is holy work
thank you
we don’t know what this next year will bring
thank you
we don’t know what this next day will bring
thank you
But My loves and my dears ones,
whatever it turns out to be
(thank you thank you thank you)
lets raise our wings and
fly into this next unknown together
xoxo
Kerlin
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Hi, Kerlin. I was in a book discussion group that you helped facilitate, with Mike Kinman, last year. I heard some of your story then, but until I read the letter you linked to on his post, I did not know the details. What an awful way for the church to treat someone!
I've been booted from 3 different congregations in my lifetime (officially, only once, but felt uncomfortable and judged enough to leave the other times) over deviation from marital norms. The last time, where I was officially dropped from membership, was the hardest to take. (An ill-advised comment that was misheard and could have been apologized for and corrected, but was, IMO, a pretext for just the rector and may be couple of others' being uncomfortable with my "sex-positive" exploration-- no actual violation of anyone.) This was an Episcopal church, and one which is generally welcoming to the LGBTQIA+ community, as well a just purporting to give welcome to all. I'm glad I was not an ordained clergyman, though I had gone to seminary in my former denomination and our diocesan Episcopal School for Ministry. I'm also aware of how Mike was treated in his last parish.
In the year + since my last departure, I've just been leery of the Institutional Church. I have attended services at some of the places I've been before, and one that a friend of mine from another denomination pastors, and one where I was a paid fill-in choir member for a while-- as well as online services (my brother is a rector in NY, so I guess that's as close to a "home parish" I have now ) but I don't want to get involved as an "active member" again--committees, vestries, etc.
Hope that isn't "TMI". Safe place to share it, I think.
Also, you are in Portland. I was there last summer, and may be coming again this year or next, and would love to connect in person. You may have my contact info already, but the best way I can give you here is Facebook messenger, under Richard C Byrne.
Thanks, and I look forward to following you more.
..."Our witnessing one another is holy work." ❤️❤️❤️