I am not a robot

of forgiveness, being human, and the meaning of life

Due to extreme literary coincidence I just read two different novels about robots in the woods. In the Lives of Puppets and A Psalm for the Wild-Built. I had a hold on the second for months and it came in right after I had finished my impulse check-out and read of the first.

In the Lives of Puppets is a post apocalyptic retelling of Pinocchio, asking questions of what it means to be human and what it means to be family, with some deliciously queer notes. It is also a meditation on forgiveness and identity. A Psalm for the Wild-Built feels like a utopic meditation on satisfaction and purpose, and meanders around questions of the meaning of life. Both books felt a bit pointed at my own tender places, as good books tend to.

I have been turning over slowly how the space between myself and the church may have changed beliefs that had grown deep. I am rediscovering my own thoughts on being human, forgiveness, and the meaning of life.

I used to say every week that we were made in Love by Love for Love. When I was a priest I would say we were made to love God, our neighbors, and ourselves; to do justice, love mercy and walk with humility. I still believe that we are called to mend the world in the places that most break our hearts and not beat up on those who are mending a different part than us. But what if humans need serve no purpose? What if the demand that we “be useful” is what leads to despair? Today I am practicing believing that I am enough. This is hard for me. I am practicing standing on the balancing point of not trying to earn a place on this earth through productivity in a mad-capitalist pursuit, while still believing that we should care for one another as best we can.

I think my former priest self would have said that a big part of being human is being made in the image of Love. What is it to be human? Is it art, tools, language? Is it the making of a birthday cake? Is being human silliness or a capacity to destroy? I am not sure I know what it means to be a human. I believe that we are animals with hungers and drives like the crow and the coyote. I believe that we are starving to see ourselves as precious, and often cause harm in pursuit of it.

So what do we do with the harm we absorb from the world and the people in it? Do we require an apology in order to forgive? My old answer was that forgiveness sets us free. It untethers our tender souls from the harm we have experienced. I know people who are explicitly anti-forgiveness, who feel that it lets the causer of harm “get away with it”. I am pretty sure I still believe that forgiveness is important but it feels harder on some days than others. I miss being a part of a community that apologizes collectively. I am practicing forgiveness as well as I can. I practice unhooking my pain from the ones I think have caused it. I try to practice the freedom that forgiveness offers.

I am not a robot. I was not programed and I cannot be reprogrammed. I am human and the glitches in me can’t be found and repaired with some solder and heat. I am human and I struggle to forgive. I am practicing forgiving those who have hurt me and those who have abandoned me. I am human and I consistently doubt my worthiness to take up space in this world without giving a good reason for my being here. I am human and I am doing my best.

I am human and I am practicing being human.

If you are human too, and I suspect that many of you are, I want you to know that on my best days I love you and on the other days I am trying to. It is hard work and I pray to God I am trying to still believe in, that we will make it and that we are enough.