Gentle Curiosity - Again

on finding what doesn't work

As I am working to navigate the world of faith and spirituality again, I keep coming back to one of my core guiding principles: gentle curiosity. It seems that to really engage in this practice requires a certain slowness that I am not temperamentally inclined to. Left to my own devices, I am not a slow person. I listen to audiobooks at at least 1.5 speed. I take the shortcuts. I skim the books. I want people to get to the point already. The problem with always moving quickly is that I know I often miss the better part, the deeper part, the place where the really good stuff happens. I rush to get to a destination I’m not sure I want.

And so I am trying (still and again) to practice curiosity at the speed of gentleness. I am trying (and failing again and again) to move into things softly at their own pace. I am trying to let my life unfold without racing to the conclusion. Knowing the inevitable conclusion of us all, this should be easier.

And so, in my baby steps back toward faith, I signed up for an online Lent offering. It seemed promising. An hour on Zoom on Friday mornings. Explicitly welcoming of genuine queer identities. A gentle vibe. It checked all the boxes.

So I went. The first week felt… fine. That was also the morning after I had spent a whole night alone in the ER, so who knows. The format was simple. Introductions. Where are you from? A short Bible reading. A kind of Lectio Divina reflection. A few prayers.

The second week also felt okay while I was there. I logged on. I listened. I participated. And then later that day, my loves and my dear ones, I started to crumble. Now, I am enough of a mixed bag that I try not to isolate one single cause for anything. Bodies and minds are complicated places. But that evening I found myself sliding back toward some pretty hard internal spaces. Anxiety started rising. I was back in the basement, which I have been pretty solidly navigating for a while now.

The next day, I spent some time digging myself out and doing my work. ¹

And when I thought about the Zoom prayer group that morning, my nervous system shot up another notch. I thought about emailing the facilitators to say that I wouldn’t be coming back. I imagined sending that email, and my body calmed down. So now I have one more data point. And so it seems that I am not, at this moment in my life, lit up by prayer and scripture.

Earlier this year, in January, I had a communion experience that felt meaningful and tender. I have been slowly sitting with that in my body, seeing what remains once the moment itself has passed. I am trying to slowly excavate impact rather than leaping to make meaning. Right now, where that experience lands is in a pleasant if somewhat neutral space. Which is also good data.

I still desire some kind of spiritual community, I think. I think I want a place where people gather around meaning and beauty, around the “big questions”.

It just turns out that I have no clue what that looks like right now in my life. And so, gentle curiosity continues to be the practice. There is a very loud part of me saying, “Get on with it already!!” But I am trying not to give in to the hunger for resolution. I am practicing not rushing to the end. I am practicing not forcing a conclusion. I am practicing not deciding what the whole story means yet. And to be honest its boring at times this just noticing. And so I try to be curious even about the boredom. Curiosity killed the cat and trapped the monkey, but still, a lack of curiosity is certainty which seems even more dangerous.

And so, my loves and my dear ones,
Let us choose curiosity,
And let us choose gentleness.
Let us choose boredom,
Even when it’s really boring.
Let us choose to be present to what is
To the best of our ability.

So that the conclusions when we reach them, and
The destinations when we get there
Will be places we have reached on purpose.
And if we still end up where we never wanted to be,
May we stand there gently curious all over again.

---

To receive new posts and support me, please consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. It means the world to me.

As Always: Thank you so much for reading my little newsletter please feel free to share

If you are interested in Spiritual Direction or Supportive Conversations please get in touch.

1. You know all the stairs out of the basement: Breathing, EFT, kava, hot showers, ice on the back of my neck, yoga, masturbation, journaling, going for walks.